between the teeth

For about three years now my husband and I (to varying levels of success) have been working on something. We go through stages of letting it slip, and stages of being pretty on top of it. But we are both convinced that it's worth the effort to attempt to control it.

It's that innocent looking pink thing between our teeth. That slippery weapon. The one that can just as easily get us into sticky situations as it can lift the atmosphere in the room and let some laughter in.

The tongue. And I don't mean swearing (although we could probably do with controlling that a bit more--at least I could anyway), but the tenor of the words that we speak. In any given situation do I use my tongue to make things better? Or to make them worse.

I read about this dart throwing experiment recently, where the people in one group were made to speak out negative statements about their abilities before they threw the darts, and the other to speak positive words. It probably doesn't come as a surprise to hear that the upbeat group scored higher.

I also read about studies where positive words were shown to increase confidence, performance and health in individuals. Children included.

Words make a difference.

I have noticed how grumbling can turn molehills into mountains. When I complain about something I can so easily begin to stew about it. And let it build upon itself. And then I can get into this negative frame of mind where bad things happen to me more frequently. They just do. And I notice each additional little bad thing and soon...everything sucks. (In that pessimistic and irritating 'grumpy bum' kind of way.)

And then I have noticed times when I have chosen to 'let it go'. Look for the good. Speak hopefully instead of pessimistically. Choose to think about and talk about the things that I am grateful for. And there are always many. And yes, when I head in this direction the world is sunnier. As cliched as that sounds, it just is.

Words are so powerful. I know of numerous people who were told as children (or heard it spoken about them) that they were shy. Consequently they became so cripplingly shy that it took years, in each case, to break out of the rut.

I want to be so careful what I say about my kids. I find myself, too often, labelling my children based on my frustrations with their behaviour. Loud. Explosive. Full on. I read somewhere (Ian & Mary Grant's Growing Great Girls I think) that children don't strive to better themselves, they strive to prove themselves. Or to prove what has been said about them. As in, if they are told that they are 'naughty', for example, they won't try to be good, but try to prove that they are, in fact, naughty.

I personally believe that there is value in speaking things that aren't as though they are. For example, I know that my daughter is compassionate. I have seen her display the most adorable compassion. And I have seen her display the complete opposite. Many times.

I can also 'see' in my mind's eye, her growing to become a beautifully compassionate woman...

So when I find myself repeating all too often "don't be rough", "stop taking things off your brother", "that's very rude", "stop hurting William" I find her fulfilling those very statements more and more, and I am getting better at reminding myself to tell Sophia that she IS a gentle girl. And a compassionate girl. Which she absolutely is. I just need to say it more. Because--surprise surprise--when I say it more she acts it more.

I need to let her OVERHEAR me telling others (telling my friends) how compassionate she is. How loving she is. How kind she is to her little bro. I need to speak over her what isn't (fully) as though it is. Because when I use my little pink weapon in this way I just know that it is powerful.

Call it positive self talk if you will. I believe in it and there are many studies and books that will back me up on that count. But I personally believe that there is more to it than that. As the proverb goes: life and death are in the power of the tongue.

And if that is true, which I believe it is, I want to be careful what I do with this little tongue of mine.

No, more than that, I want to use this tongue to create life. And to, as much as I can, make good out of (or in spite of) the hard stuff and the crappy stuff.


Any thoughts on the topic? I have been dwelling on it so much recently...



:)

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